Gentlefirmness

 

September 16, 2025

Hello!  How is each and every one? Last Sunday, the 14^th of September,  the Church celebrated the Feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross by which we have all been redeemed by Jesus Christ.  One of the many aspirations of St. Josemaria, the Founder of Opus Dei was ‘In joy, not a day without the Cross’.  “In laetitia, nulla dies sine cruce”. He would use it to encourage himself “to carry the Lord’s burden with generosity, always with good humor, though often it means going against the grain” and that is why a custom in Opus Dei is to adorn the wooden cross with flowers from the afternoon of September 13 to the morning of the 14^th in preparation for the feast. It is to remind each and every one that love comes in the form of a cross.  “Love sacrifice; it is a fountain of interior life.  Love the Cross, which is an altar of sacrifice. Love pain, until you drink, as Christ did, the very dregs of the chalice” (12^th Station of the Way of the Cross).

Somebody was telling me that she has just come by to a place where people have gotten used to a way of saying the prayers.  As they recited their prayers she prayed the same prayers and one looked severely at her direction (makuha ka sa tingin) while another called her name in a whisper as they continued reciting their prayers like rendering poetry in chorus.  Another one kept breathing asthmatically or clearing her throat. She asked me ‘do you know what I mean?’ Gets mo ba? Then she continued telling me another episode.  Another newcomer helped in the household chores and when they were all doing the chores together the newcomer brought in dishes and placed them in the wrong cabinet.  The elderly one in the group sighed heavily and returned all the dishes in the cart sighing and murmuring. The newcomer realized her mistake and put all the said dishes in the other cabinet outside the room. The next day, yesterday, we celebrated the feast of Our Lady of Sorrows. Mary stands by the Cross, engulfed in grief. And John is beside her.  The Blessed Virgin is our Mother, and we do not wish to, we cannot, leave her alone (13^th Station of the Way of the Cross).

Following is the superhabit of Gentlefirmness, being gentle while at the same time firm in whichever point, aspect, event, idea, principle you are being gentle with (From  SUPERHABITS, The Universal System for a Successful Life by Andrew V. Abela, PH.D., Dean, Busch School of Business, The Catholic University of America, 2024).

Anger is the feeling we get when our desire for things to be the way we think they should be is in some way frustrated. 

In the chapter on Diligence, we saw that desires, like the desire to know things, are sources of energy.  These desires should be managed profitably, not wasted.

The desire to have things be the way we think they should be – the desire for things to be right – is also a source of energy.  When our desire for things to be right is frustrated, we get angry, and that anger motivates action.  Depending on what we desire, this can lead to good things or bad.  Sometimes it can motivate action when nothing else could.

The horrific details of the My Lai massacre during the Vietnam War are well known.  U.S. troops were ordered to attack the village of Son My because erroneous intelligence indicated that it was occupied solely by enemy combatants.  Hundreds of civilians were killed – men, women, children, and babies.

What is less well known is the story of three American soldiers (Thompson, Colburn and Andreotta) who intervened to put a stop to the murderous rampage. What Thompson had seen, as he and his crew flew over the scene, was not the way he thought things should be.  “That was to his idea of being an American soldier,” recalled Colburn. The righteous anger provoked by things not being right fueled Thompson’s life-saving intervention.

This was not the kind of out-of-control anger that we saw in the Malice at the Palace.  Had it been, his intervention would very likely have failed, possibly getting himself and his crew killed by their own side.  Instead, it was controlled and deliberate.

There is a superhabit for managing the desire for things to be right, and the anger that arises when they are not.  This superhabit directs your anger toward doing good, and it looks like gentleness resting on firmness:  a velvet glove over an iron fist.  It is the habit that Hugh Thompson displayed so masterfully.

The old word for this virtue is meekness. But that word has become confused with weakness perhaps because the words sound similar – or because passivity in the face of injustice is more often a consequence of weakness than of controlled strength.  Another word is mansuetude, from the Latin mansuetudo, which means mildness or gentleness.  It’s even more old fashioned and is hardly ever used anymore.

But this is such an important habit that I think it needs an unambiguous name.  I propose Gentlefirmness.  Gentlefirmness is the superhabit for managing your desires for things to be right. It is the habit of mastering your anger and focusing it on fixing the source of your anger; feeling your anger, understanding that it is signaling a problem, and then channeling your anger toward making things right.

Gentlefirmness is not a habit of quenching or stifling your anger.  Not having enough anger can actually be a problem.

As the slaughter at My Lai spread, Private First Class Paul Meadlo followed his lieutenant’s order to fire into a group of women and children. Part way through, he stopped shooting and tried to hand his weapon to another soldier.  The other soldier wouldn’t take it.

Other soldiers refused to shoot at all.  One of these, Harry Stanley, when told to fire on another group of civilians, told his lieutenant, “I wasn’t brought up that way, to be killing no women and children.  Ain’t going to do it.”

When his lieutenant stuck his pistol in Stanley’s gut and threatened to kill him if he didn’t obey orders, Stanley did the same back.  The lieutenant yelled that he wasn’t bluffing.  Stanley replied he wasn’t either.

“We all gonna die here anyway.  I just as soon go out right here and now – but I ain’t killin’ no women and children,” he said.

Seeing that he was getting nowhere, the lieutenant turned to Meadlo and gave him a direct order to shoot again.  Meadlo, sobbing now, complied.

Anger is complicated.  Too little expression of it, frequently as a result of repression, can lead to depression, anxiety, and physical pain – not to mention terrible failures, such as what appears to have happened in Meadlo’s case.  If Meadlo had experienced the same anger that Stanley did, would he still have obeyed an order that was so clearly, horrifically, wrong?

On the other hand, too much anger, out of control, can cause all kinds of problems in your interactions with others.  It is also associated with chronic stress and poorer health, including higher risk of heart disease.  (As we’ve already seen, superhabits can usually be defined as the mean between two extremes).

If you suffer from what are colloquially called “anger management issues” - either too much anger or too little – seek help.  There are all kinds of useful resources and techniques for managing anger.  Studies suggest that deep breathing, relaxing imagery, meditation, strengthening communication skills, and taking mental breaks all make a big difference. Two well-researched books are Anger Management for Everyone by Drs. Tafrate and Kassinove, and Why We Get Mad:  How to Use Your Anger for Positive Change, by Dr. Ryan Martin. (What does not seem to work, according to the latest research, are attempts at catharsis like locking yourself inside a room and screaming, or pounding a pillow).

Brené Brown, in her book Atlas of the Heart, summarizes her own extensive research on the topic of anger as follows.  Anger often hides other emotions, ones that we don’t recognize or don’t want to admit.  It is nevertheless an effective indicator for catching our attention, and a catalyst for change – but it is not itself the change.

Assuming that you are not dealing with anger management issues, here’s a prescription for growing in the superhabit of Gentlefirmness.  Whenever you get angry, recognize that your “anger is telling you that there’s a problem.”  See your anger as a signal that there’s a mismatch between the way things are and the way you think they should be.  Examine your ideas about the way things should be very carefully.  The bigger the issue, the more you should invest in understanding whether the problem lies more in the way things are, or in the way you think they should be.  Then use your anger as energy to drive change – in the world, or in yourself, or both.

To use your anger effectively and responsibly, you need to be in charge of it.  For example, if you receive an email that provokes your anger, wait until you’re calmer before responding.  If you have an urge to respond immediately to get it off your chest, write your response and save it as a draft.  Review it later when you’re calmer.  Chances are that you’ll be glad you didn’t send the original version.

Then think carefully.  Where is the source of the problem here? Where is the mismatch between the situation as I think it should be, and as it is?  What is needed to correct it?  (Also consider responding to the email by phone, or in person, Emails tend to escalate bad feelings, while direct personal contact, if done calmly, will deescalate the situation).

As the apostle Paul wrote to the Ephesians, “Be angry but do not sin” (Eph. 4:26).  Anger, like other emotions, is energy that you can use to get things done.  So, focus that energy; neither repress it nor let it go in just whatever direction it wants to.

On the thirtieth anniversary of the My Lai massacre, Hugh Thompson and Lawrence Colburn returned to the site of the tragedy.  What they experienced there was something they never expected.

Going against the grain or going against the current is one situation where you and I can apply the aspiration “In laetitia, nulla dies cruce” (In joy, not a day without the cross). Cheerfully accepting differences in character, contradictions during the day, setbacks, passive mortification, our own wretchedness in expiation for our my personal sins against God.

Once again let us talk to God in those quiet moments of prayer about this superhabit and its applications and consequences in different situations of our ordinary daily family life, work and relations at home, in the office, in the market place, in  the street.

See you in the next post, “May tomorrow be a perfect day; may you find love and laughter along the way; may God keep you in his tender care; ‘til He brings us together again.”

Affectionately,                    

Guadalupinky